DANNY's BLOG

Why Staying stuck is a good option........

First I’m pretty sure choosing to stay stuck is actually a bad plan. At this very moment I am feeling profoundly stuck and my typical initial response is to sit down and stop moving. It’s the space that I feel safe in. My simplified base fear is to “do it wrong”, so doing nothing always seems like the best move at first glance. Movement looks risky in that space, and when the illogical fear kicks in, movement is the same as dying. I know that thought is utter nonsense, and I also know I will never logic my way out of fear.

Phase two: The sales pitch to myself begins. I create the list of reasons why movement is my enemy, complete with historical data backing up my decision to stay stuck (protect myself). I can hear all the doers in life saying “sure glad I don’t do that” or “get moving dude! Just do stuff and you’ll be fine”. We all have a stuck place and based on how we’re wired our response just looks different. This is just the scenery out the window of my car. Anyway, based on the level of fear and risk, I dig in deep to guarantee my preservation. I begin to think through my list of people and try to find the person or two that will tell me I’ve made a wise decision. That I just saved mine own life, helping me to hunker down until it all goes away. Hilarious I know!

Phase three: I begin the slow subtle withdrawal from my community hoping nobody notices. I start to do busy work, chores. Stuff to keep me busy and help me pretend I’m still doing life. I used to have no idea that this pattern was running in my life.

Eventually, as I became more aware of my legitimate needs, I began to feel the effects of the disconnect. I became aware of the shame and the loneliness that crept in as I hid. I began to find answers for the days I felt more like a kid than an adult. I began to let people into my world even if they didn’t see it the same way I did, because I needed to value my own experience. I found healthy answers for loneliness and shame, and decided to trust people that believed in me.

Today I’d like to say that pattern in my life will occasionally last for a day or two at most. However, most of the time, I see it coming and have a list of steps that help me engage before it feels too late. I choose movement as often as I can because it confronts my greatest fear point. I reach towards my community because being known and seen is one of my deepest needs. Most importantly, I’m learning to have compassion for the part of my that I used to hate.

the gift of listening

the gift of listening

Listening…….To hear something with thoughtful attention. I have spent thousands of hours  listening to people tell me about the most vulnerable places in their hearts and their lies. Fairly quickly in my journey of counseling, I began to see the impact of listening. I started to see people experience significant impact by me choosing to slow down all that was happening, and really listen. I remember early on, having thoughts of “people getting their money’s worth” in a session with me and thinking I should be doing more or saying more. Yet, as I was honest with myself and practiced staying quiet, people would tell me things they’d never spoken out loud  before. Listening, really listening so that people felt heard, created a space that was safe. I began to see the vast difference between listening and waiting for my turn to talk. If we’re honest, we all have felt “not heard” as our fellow conversationalist waited, with varying degrees of success, for us to stop talking so that they could finally have their turn. I have learned so much about people as I’ve worked at listening. I hear the most amazing things from people that they experience by me listening, from feeling valued, loved, accepted and truly heard for the first time. The list always catches my attention and reminds me of the deep value of listening. Listening has to be active and intentional, otherwise it’s just hearing. I can always hear when people are talking, but I have to choose to be present and to stop my world in order to listen.

What A View

The View From A Relationship First person

I turned 52 in September and in many ways I feel like I’m entering the second half of life, and not just from a numbers point of view. The second half has very little to do with age and is all about buying into the work of personal growth to the point that I can now turn and look to the needs of the world around me instead of spending most of my time tending to my own needs. I realize that’s a simplified view that just scrapes the surface of actual life. To me the second half sounds like maturity and legacy. It sounds like a more clear picture of who I am and a much deeper awareness of how I affect my world and the people in it. But, that deeper awareness also brings clarity of the places in my life that still need growth and healing. I know, it’s a never ending journey unless I choose to stop growing. Anyway, one of the most profound ways I see my world recently is how different I am from a task first person. This is only a perspective difference not a case of one better than the other. I am married to a task first person and I am a relationship first person. Sounds simple enough…….except that we speak two very different languages. We see everything through an extremely different set of lenses. I see behaviors and decisions with eyes that choose relationship first. I tend to look for responses that look the same, and I can easily feel hurt if the response isn’t in my language. My wife and I work really hard to make space for each other while we’re learning a new language. Most of the time we’re good, but occasionally I forget I’m a foreigner in her “strange land”. Here’s a phrase that mostly sums up my view of life. “I don’t care where we are going as long as we are going together!” I almost don’t care what we even accomplish as long as we have deep meaningful connection along the way. The task first world doesn’t see that view. So I must adjust. That process used to feel like rejection. My assumption was as if they didn’t want to spend time with me or they didn’t value connection. Through much painful growth, and I’ve not perfected my craft by any means, I’ve chosen to bump into the same feeling and choose to sit still, reframe it as a difference in perspectives, and then work at speaking the language of a task first person. It’s taken me awhile but I’ve gained some understanding that my need for connection may be an 8 and a task first person may be at a 2 but we both value connection. Side note: Task first people get shit done!! My marriage is so much healthier and more peaceful when I choose to speak with whatever measure of “task-first” I possess. After all, it’s my job to maintain my connection tank so I just have to declare my internal value and continue to reach out to my community as often as it takes.

Let’s Do This!

The Art of Starting Again

A few weeks ago I wrote about the so called benefits of staying stuck. I touched briefly on how I choose to stop moving as an attempt to protect myself when I feel afraid. Well, within days of posting that writing online, which feels the same as choosing to stand in front of a large audience while totally naked, I missed the markers that usually let me know I’m beginning to hide. Also possible is the idea that I was totally committed to hiding and I just jumped in. I’m still sorting that one out. For now though, I will go with the premise that I just didn’t see this one coming. Here’s how it unfolded from my perspective. I began to feel the pressure of some circumstances in my life. I started becoming frustrated with the slow progress with my car. I began to feel the pressure to finish a building project for my daughter’s upcoming wedding, not to mention the fact that I’m going to walk my youngest daughter down the aisle in a few weeks. The details of managing the finances for our business and home started to creep in on me. The list goes on. However, now that I’m on the other side of this, I can see more clearly. The list is real, valid and important. How I felt about navigating the needs of the list totally matters and yet it was never the issue. I grabbed the list and held it up as a reason why I needed to stop writing. Stop being seen, even though being seen is one of my deepest needs. This is where friends are priceless!! My business coach reached out with a simple question that was task related. He saw that I stopped moving. It was enough to jolt me out of my stuck mental space. The next moment for me was a choice to create a new response to my perceived “failure”. This time beginning again has been much less complicated and far more enjoyable as I decided to see it as a win. I know myself more, and most importantly, I’m choosing to be kind to myself when I would historically reject, shame and try to perform to make up for it. Beginning again is an act of kindness to me that changes everything.

Show Me the money

Show me the money

I was recently introduced to a “part” of me I hadn’t realized was still hanging around. At least that’s how it felt in the moment. In actuality, I bumped into a belief that I’ve had since I was a kid. My wife and I were spending some time with a friend when he asked what we believed was true about money. I instantly was 10 years old again, and I said “there’s not enough and I’m alone!” Now in my adult brain I know that’s supposed to be an incorrect answer logically. Yet, as I let that roll around in my head for a few days, I began to see that belief showing up in more areas of my life than I cared to admit. I looked back on my money habits and could see the times when a surplus would come into my life, and I would make decisions to make it “go away”. Spend it, give it, etc. I was committed to affirming what I believed to be true. Somehow as a child this belief got intertwined into my view of self. There wasn’t enough eventually led to I’m not enough. I’ve worked really hard to change how I see myself, and to practice really loving me well, especially when I feel I don’t deserve it. Yet here’s this belief showing up in my relationship with money. Here’s what that looks like in my life. I was doing laundry and my wife asked me why I still have those underwear that I say are lousy. I agreed that I should just get some new ones. So, 3 weeks later…….I go to the store and leave with none. Seems weird, so I wait 3 days and take another run at it. I am standing in the aisle at Kohl’s staring at the sign that says $32 for a 3 pack. I turn around to see the same ones I was complaining about for $14. I leave again with none. So now I am feeling like I have some serious underwear issues. Except I keep thinking about my money belief that “there’s not enough”. It had been there the whole time, I had just worked hard to not feel it or think about it. Another week goes by and I try again. This time I walked out of Kohl’s with a 3 pack of underwear and 3 pairs of socks for $52! It actually was difficult to pay that. It felt like it was too much and it touched on my value for me in a new way. That not so simple purchase has created an opportunity for me to begin telling myself a new story about money. In my old story I was alone and I would never have peace. In my old story my value and the value of money was always confusingly intertwined. In my new story, I’ve decided that money is just a tool that I get to assign value to. My wife, family and friends are all proof that I am not alone. It is a new story and it will feel foreign at first, but I already have more hope and peace for my future…….and some killer new underwear!

awareness

Awareness……Necessary but wow!

Recently I’ve developed this awareness around my writing that has caused me to see things more as they actually are. I was first given homework to start writing and it felt very uncomfortable, awkward and a little exposing. Then, as I stuck with it, I really began to enjoy it. Eventually, I started to love writing, and I was actually proud of my perspective. Then, I stopped writing. Not even a slow-down or a mild pause, or a teeny speed bump. I just stopped. I could just recognize it and just begin again, and I believe that’s a very necessary step. Hence this article…...but if I don’t pause and take a look at “why” I stopped, I’ll be reduced to managing my behavior. I’m not saying behavior management is wrong, just incomplete. There’s so much more for me to gain if I choose to look a little deeper. Understanding why I do something gives me leverage to make lasting change that puts me on the other side of that “thing” showing up again to derail my best laid plans. Also, understanding myself at a deeper level truly brings greater peace to my daily life. Seeing myself helps me be more gracious and compassionate to myself which at times seems to be humanity’s most difficult challenge. Like it or not my view of self colors my view of the people and world around me. Lastly, choosing to pause and look inward, really taking notice of what is and not living with what I’d like to be, gives me a view of the people in my life that is real and honest. The more I’ve chosen to know myself the more I am able to really love those I do life with. I’m less critical and impatient. I’m less distant and “busy”. I am more kind and compassionate. I’m more loving and connected. Awareness can be hard to embrace but is always worth the look.